502 - Unoriginal sin
The worst thing about not being in a relationship...
is when your job is to write about
being in a relationship.
Remember that guy who wore sandals,
Randal the sandal guy? We had a couple of dates.
Six years ago?
ls that anything?
His name was Randal?
l'm scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Last week l wrote about my search
for the perfect French fry.
lt was cute.
French fries.
You didn't read it, did you?
l don't always have time to read it.
OK, then. Wow! Even my friends
- find me irrelevant. - l read it every week.
You have a little man hanging from your breast.
- What else are you gonna do? - Eat.
l'm in a dating desert. They'll have to change my column
to ''...And The City''. Or they'll cancel it.
You're on the side of a bus.
Why did my editor call? He never calls.
l'm not getting laid. l'm getting laid off.
You're not getting laid off.
l don't know if you read the rest of the paper,
but people with real jobs are getting laid off.
This is not a good economy in which to be whipped cream.
Last night l started writing about my sock drawer. Men as socks.
''Socks And The City''.
- You and l need to find some men. - There are no men.
You have to know where to look. When are you free?
l'm not trawling for men to have something to write.
Go have sex. Report back.
l can only help with baby-proofing.
Use a condom.
What can l get you?
The veggie scramble and wheat toast.
l'll have fries. Maybe l'll make it a two-parter.
Denver omelette and hash browns.
The fruit plate. And l'm back with Richard.
Richard, whose death we've been plotting?
Maybe there are no men.
l listened to what he had to say...
l've never known anyone like you.
l was in over my head. l got scared.
He got scared?
That doesn't excuse the...
That coming from you is almost as disturbing as the news itself.
l hide under the covers, not between somebody's legs.
- You had to be there. - You'll have to be there
so he doesn't get scared again.
Being scared is not easy for a man to admit.
They get a medal for identifying a feeling?
We do that all day long. l feel pissed off.
- Do not resuscitate. - l'm not an idiot.
l understand that Richard is a charismatic and successful man.
An interesting pussy might cross his path and he might fall...
lt's just sex. That might be a flaw, but nobody's perfect.
Some women can't get their husbands to pick up the dry cleaning.
You're comparing not picking up the dry cleaning with...
Do the thing.
l know he loves me. l believe he's sorry.
l believe he'll try his best.
That's your choice and we should all respect it.
How about this for a column?
''Desperate Women Who Will Believe Anything''.
The next day, two parents covered outlets
to prevent their baby from getting shocked.
l was thinking...
Maybe we want to get Brady baptised.
For grown-ups, there is no such safeguard.
- Neither of us goes to church. - l know, but it's tradition.
l was baptised, my father, my father's father.
Everybody in my family.
- lt would mean a lot to my ma. - Your ma?
You never had a mother when we were going out.
This is the first l've heard of her.
You are just making a case for religion.
lt's not about religion or God.
lt's something you do in case... So baby don't end up in limbo.
- You don't know what that means. - l do so.
- What is it? - A place where babies fly around
without bodies, just wings under their neck.
That sounds like something we should worry about.
Brady isn't crawling, and you've got us baby-proofing this apartment.
But you won't let someone sprinkle water on him so he doesn't go to hell?
Miranda didn't believe in hell, except the hell she was in right now.
This is why l was worried about involving you.
Why should l go through some ceremony to make your ma happy?
lt's nice. Everybody sees the baby.
You have cake. Some people give money.
- What's wrong with a party? - l don't believe in it.
lf you don't believe... lt's just water on the kid's head.
Downtown, Samantha's faith was faltering.
- My friends don't believe you. - Am l dating your friends?
- l wouldn't put it past you. - What's their problem?
This...is their problem.
- We talked about that. - Miranda thinks it's bullshit.
What's to stop you getting scared every time a hot woman walks by?
- She wanted to know. - l don't give a shit what they think.
l love you, and l've got something for you.
Unless Miranda wouldn't approve.
Now it was Samantha's turn to be scared.
Don't worry. lt's not for that finger, it's for this one.
When you flip me off, l'll have something shiny to look at.
There it was.
A canary diamond, ''l'll try not to cheat and eat when l'm scared'' ring.
Samantha wasn't sure if she was in heaven...
or limbo.
Meanwhile, l was clearly in hell.
That afternoon, Charlotte and l went trawling for men.
- He's kind of cute. - We were playing 1/100.
lt's like a road trip game for urban singles.
Watch the men coming your direction,
and see how many out of 100 you'd sleep with.
8 out of 46. Where are you?
- Zero, 32. - What about the guy with the dog?
l don't like dachshunds for men. Can't handle a real dog,
- can't handle a real woman. - He was gorgeous.
Men who are too good-looking are never good in bed,
because they never had to be.
- Zero, 35. - None of them?
- They were gay. - lt's imaginary.
There must be someone you'd have imaginary sex with. You're being picky.
- You're an imaginary whore. - l am not.
You have slept with eight men and we have only had appetizers.
You should come with me to Dr Cheryl Grayson's seminar.
lt's really inspiring. There's time for questions and answers.
She has a new haircut and l hear it's cute.
- Why would l go to that? - Because you're becoming cynical.
That's why l wouldn't go. lt's kind of a catch-22, isn't it?
- You might get a column out of it. - Sign me up.
Yeah! l think you'll really enjoy it.
Her philosophy of written affirmations
has helped me let go of negative thoughts.
No, not this guy. He's balding.
- He's got a big head. - You have some negative thoughts.
Oh, my God. He's coming over here. Don't look up.
Aren't you Carrie Bradshaw from ''The New York Star''?
- Gabe. Hey! - You know each other?
This is my editor.
- This is Gabe Manning. - Hi, l'm Charlotte.
l'm glad l ran into you since you don't return your calls.
l know. But l am just now researching my next column.
l think it's going to be super fun and sexy.
We sit here and pick how many men out of 100
we would sleep with.
No one's asking to fuck every guy. We're a weekly paper.
- No, we don't actually... - l've been trying to get in touch...
An editor from Clearwater Press called.
They're interested in turning your columns into a book.
l'm having a Cosmopolitan with the woman who wrote about them.
lf only l could find a man.
Trouble finding a man. Have you considered writing about that?
Great idea. Let me get a pen.
The next night, l met publishing powerhouses
Lily Martin and Courtney Masterson.
This is a thrill. All of us at Clearwater Press read your column religiously.
l don't even do that.
l have ''Ten Men To Avoid'' on my refrigerator.
But not in that icky ''Cathy'' comic way.
- l hate that shit. - Me too.
- l predict this book will be huge. - Huge.
And that's... Why?
There are so many single women desperate for something like this.
You're looking at two. One. Two.
You already have an inventory of columns to choose from.
Some we don't have to include.
That one on French fries didn't make the fridge, did it?
We want to fast track it, get it on the shelves by Christmas/Hanukkah.
You can pick the columns, about 25 or 30.
Write an introduction and dedication to clarify the tone.
So you mean...
What do you mean?
You know, what's the message?
Just...here are my favourite columns?
Yes, but also, is it hopeful?
ls Carrie Bradshaw an optimist or pessimist?
What's your point of view?
After the break-ups and disappointments and train wrecks.
You still believe he's out there, right?
Or should we shoot ourselves now?
No...
Yes, hopeful.
To be honest, l wasn't sure what l believed.
But my cynical side suspected optimism would sell more books.
My best friend is going to be a published author.
lt's so fabulous, it makes me more fabulous.
l enjoy being under the radar. l take comfort in the fact that
many people, present company included, don't see my column.
l'm waiting till it's in hardback. l hope it's big and glossy.
Like my mistakes. ls this something you encourage?
Do it! Newspaper is out. lt's all about books.
Everyone who's anyone has a book.
l'm not sure what you just said
because l was blinded by a piece of jewellery.
Let me see that!
lt's from Richard. l think it's his way of saying, ''l'm sorry.''
What do you get if it happens again, the Hope diamond?
That's what this is. The ''hope that fucker doesn't break my heart again'' diamond.
We were both turning our pain into gold.
That night, l started to think about belief.
Maybe it's not advisable to be an optimist after the age of 30.
Maybe pessimism is something we have to apply daily, like moisturiser.
Otherwise, how do you bounce back when reality batters your belief system
and love does not, as promised, conquer all.
ls hope a drug we need to go off of, or is it keeping us alive?
What's the harm in believing?
Repeat your affirmations daily if you want to let love into your life.
Open yourself.
Breathe in the possibility of love.
What is not love is fear.
Let go of your fears and embrace your dreams.
Miranda wasn't a believer, but her faith was renewed
when she found a church that seemed to suit her
and a suit that seemed to fit her.
- l'm waiting in the rain. - l know. You said 10:45.
- Yeah! - lt's my fault. l'm sorry.
He's not with her.
l told you she'd probably leave him with the nurse.
- This is my ma. Ma, Miranda. - Mrs Brady, so nice to meet you.
No, Mary, please. You're so fancy. l wanted to wear my nice dress.
But the dry cleaners doesn't open until 10:00.
l was hoping that you'd bring Brady, since l haven't seen him yet.
Well, Stevie gave me a picture l've been carrying around in my wallet.
lt's a little creased. l should've put it in a frame.
l Xeroxed it at the phone company, and everyone in my division
said he looks like me.
l'll see him at the ceremony.
l'm grateful to be included, especially since you aren't Catholic
and didn't want to have a christening.
But the idea of this baby burning in hell...
- Ma! - All right.
l'm just saying...my oldest son, Jackie,
had a baby who died, two weeks old.
We're still reeling. His wife is black. She's not very friendly.
Thinks l have a problem with her, but l don't.
l don't. Maybe the priest doesn't need to know you aren't getting married.
- We're not lying to the priest. - Now you're religious.
Hello.
- Are you the Hobbes party? - Yes, we spoke on the phone.
- l'm Father Andrew. Come in. - Sorry we're late.
Hello, Father. l'm Mary Brady. l go to Saint Agnes in Queens.
They're not getting married.
- ls she drunk? - No, just a couple of beers.
l don't want the baby referred to as Catholic.
No original sin. No renouncing of Satan.
lt's not that she's a fan of Satan. She doesn't want to...talk about him.
ln fact no mention of Satan, the devil...
Miranda was surprised the priest was so flexible, but in troubled times,
the Catholic Church is like a desperate, 36-year-old single woman,
willing to settle for anything it can get.
This is not what l had in mind when you asked to go dress shopping.
l'm less thrilled than you. He has to get baptised and wear a dress.
Baby's first drag show.
- lt's a very odd tradition. - Don't get me started.
lt's about cleansing this little baby of his sins.
Babies come into this world with a clean slate. We fuck them up.
- You're a pessimist, right? - Have we met?
lt's for my book. l have to figure out if l'm an optimist or a pessimist.
l don't know any more. l don't know what l believe.
- Neither do l. l'm having a baptism. - How do you rationalise that?
One less bath to give him. l'm doing it for Steve. He's been good to me.
l've known him three years. l didn't meet his mother till yesterday.
- What's she like? - lmagine Steve, in a wig, drunk.
- Yikes! - Yeah.
How would you feel about being Brady's godmother?
Really? What would l need to do?
Officially, you provide the baby with spiritual guidance.
Unofficially, you stand with me so l have somebody to roll my eyes at.
l don't know...spiritual guidance?
There's cake from some bakery in Queens.
- The sugary kind with the thick icing? - Maybe even a buttercream cross.
Oh, now you're talking. Spirituality and cake.
That night, Charlotte dragged me to the fountain of belief.
lt was mostly women. Apparently, women are the main market for hope.
Would you like an affirmation?
Saying no would get us off on the wrong foot.
- Thanks. - Enjoy.
''l believe in the good in people.'' That's nice. What does yours say?
''l believe this is hooey.''
Are you going to make fun of everything?
l'm not that quick.
- What did you do today? - Oh, the usual.
Helped pick a christening gown for my friend's illegitimate baby.
Oh, l'm so happy she decided to do a baptism.
- She asked me to be the godmother. - What?
- lt's not a big deal. - lt is. lt's a huge responsibility.
l know friendships that ended
because someone was a disappointing godparent.
Why are you so...?
- Did you want to be the godmother? - No!
lt wouldn't kill you to acknowledge that some things are sacred.
- l do... - We're not talking.
- We're not? - No.
Are we talking yet?
Let me know when we're talking.
l believe this is going to be a very long evening.
l believe we are the only normal people here.
l believe in the good in Charlotte, who dragged me here against my will
when l wanted to stay home and just be negative.
What does the gown look like?
Table for two.
You're trying to make me feel bad, but that turns me on.
Right this way.
Thank you.
- Are we OK? - We're fine.
l almost forgot. You're going to Miranda's baptism with me Sunday.
lt'll be all day, it'll be boring, it'll be mandatory.
- What time? - 2:00.
- Are you going to do the thing again? - No. Are you?
Samantha, l love you.
Although he appeared to have reformed,
Samantha wasn't ready to forgive his sin.
Love will come to you only when you truly believe you deserve it.
Meanwhile, an hour and 20 affirmations later...
Love will raise you up. Fear will pull you under. Only love is real.
Yes, stand up.
l wanted to thank you. The affirmations have really worked for me.
l prayed for love, l believed in love, and last week l fell in love.
He's perfect and kind and giving, and l now know
that l deserve that. Thank you.
Thank yourself. You did it. lsn't that inspiring? Yeah.
Anyone else?
- Did you want to say something? - Oh, no...
Yes. Hi. l was wondering...
Hi... l'm wondering how long that woman was doing her affirmations.
l've been doing mine every day.
l want to believe, but nothing is happening.
l just don't think it's working. l don't think it will work for me.
l hear fear. l hear doubt.
You have to believe love to receive love.
Keep repeating your affirmations. Your heart will catch up with your head.
That's the thing, though.
l did find love.
l believed there was someone out there for me and l met him finally.
We had a beautiful wedding, and then everything just fell apart.
l'm worried. l'm afraid that he took away my ability to believe.
l hate him for that because l always believed before.
And now l just feel...lost.
And l am, l'm trying to put myself out there but...l feel hopeless.
Perhaps you're not really putting yourself out there.
Oh...
No, she's out there.
l mean emotionally and physically.
Maybe you're not looking for love in a real way.
Maybe you're not really trying. Maybe you're not really out there.
Believe me. She's out there.
Sunday afternoon, we gathered for a baptism in the little church that would.
Hey, you, with the flower thing.
Steve tells me you're the godmother.
l'm the godfather, Steve's second cousin, Patrick.
Make a good story?
- Little Brady brought us together. - Oh...
Someone who isn't related to Steve, no offence.
- None taken. - Hey.
- l'll check you later, 'gator. - OK.
- lt's a nice dress. - l didn't want Brady to show me up.
l think your baby's godfather baptised himself with some bad cologne.
Brady's grandmother invited the folks from Molly McGuire's.
l know your hands are full with the drunk and the skunk.
- l have to tell you something. - l'm too fat to be wearing this?
No, oh no, you look beautiful. lt's me.
Are you sure that l am godmother material?
Shouldn't you pick someone a bit more maternal?
No, l like that you're not.
Well, here's the thing. This is an awesome responsibility.
l don't know my own view of the future.
l'm possibly one bad date away from bitter.
Don't you think l'm getting a little cynical?
Not compared to me.
You're my best friend.
Charlotte's dying for the job, and l think she'd be better at it.
l don't know if l believe in any of this, but l believe in you.
l want you to be my baby's godmother.
Well, l did spring for the hat.
Who presents this child to receive the sacrament of Baptism?
We do.
''Give him an enquiring and discerning heart,
''the courage to will and to persevere, a spirit to love,
''and the gift of joy and wonder. ln the Lord's name, we pray.''
Lord, hear our prayer.
''ln baptism we use your gift of water,
''which you have made a rich symbol
''of the grace you give us in this sacrament.
''Through it, you led the children of lsrael out of their bondage.
''Through it, we are reborn.''
There isn't enough holy water in the world to cleanse you.
Brady, l baptise you in the name of the Father,
and of the Son,
and of the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
l hoped the water would wash away some of my original cynicism.
lsn't this the most beautiful goddamn Catholic you've ever seen?
Sorry, Father. But he's a cute fucking kid.
- Honey, congratulations. - l didn't do anything.
You got me to a church.
- Beautiful baby. - Thank you.
Just for the record, l did get scared.
OK, whatever. Thanks for coming.
- He's such a player. - l don't know.
Maybe things will work out between them.
That night, l dedicated my baby - my book -
to hopeful single women everywhere, and one in particular...
my good friend Charlotte,
the eternal optimist,
who always believes in love.